that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
