Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
