I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
