I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
