he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
So much rum. So many feels.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
