so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
