All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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