keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
