What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
