so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I love you.
Bad choice
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