Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
