I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
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