i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
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