You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
