I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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