Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
