shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
