Life is so much better after having sex.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize