Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Randomize
