i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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