GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
