if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
