When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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