i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
You made out with two different species that night
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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