sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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