If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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