I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
