jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
