he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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