I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
