I just saw a hot homeless man
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
