you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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