my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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