Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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