why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
