There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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