i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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