in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
