the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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