Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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