I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
