my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
