If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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