I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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