just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
