I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
