i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
