You can't motorboat a personality
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
