You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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