I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
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