It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Randomize
