hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Thank you for not boning my boss.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Randomize