I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
