We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
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