I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
