Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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