marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
