From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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