Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
