My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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